Dat Right Dars Funny . . .

A professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably out deer hunting with his buddies.'

image credit to: blogs.mix947.com 

It took a while to restore order in the classroom . . .

A Classic - 5 Minute Management Lesson

Lesson I: 
A man gets into the shower just as his wife finishes her shower.

The doorbell rings . . .
 
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor . . .
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
          
The woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 
                
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies....
                
"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" 

By sharing critical information with your shareholders you can prevent avoidable exposure. 


Lesson II: 
A priest offered a Nun a lift. 
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 
                
The priest nearly had an accident. 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 
                
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 
               
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. 
               
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 
                
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak..' 
                
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 
                
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." 
        
If you are not well informed, you might miss a great opportunity.
        
Lesson III: 
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 
               
They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
               
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
              
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." 
               
Puff! She's gone. 
               
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' 
                
Puff! He's gone. 
               
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
        
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch' 

Always let your boss have the first say.
        
Lesson IV: 
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 
                
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' 
                
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 
                
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. 


Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
        

To be sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson V: 
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
            
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
            
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'
          
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree . . .
           
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
            
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at t he top of the tree.
           
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
          
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson VI:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
           
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
            
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
           
The dung was actually thawing him out!
           
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
           
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
            
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
    
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
   
Thus ends the 5 Minute Management Course - GET BACK TO WORK! 

Who has an accent?

I was born in the South. The real South. Not some made up Southern town like Atlanta. Sadly my family moved to the midwest, Chacago, when I was small kid. As a result it's very rare when my natural accent comes out. As a result I have way too many "a"s in my life. This afternoon a friend sent me this list of how Chacagoins speak. I think it's pretty funny. Maybe that's because humor, like politics, tends to be local?

How People In Chicago Speak:
 
1. Grachki (grach'-key): Chicagoese for "garage key" as in, "Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut da grass if I don't git intada grach?"

2. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich.  When made with sausage, it's a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.

3. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in "Da Bears" or "Da Mare" -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he's often called.

4. Jewels: Not family heirlooms, but a popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store chains. "I'ma goin' to the Jewels to pick up some sassage."

5. Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply called " Carson 's."

6. Tree: The number between two and four. "We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night."

7. Over by dere: Translates to "over by there," a way of emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, "I got the sassage at the Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere."

8.  Kaminski Park : The mispronounced name of the ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was renamed U.S. Cellular Field (da Cell). Or like Obama said, he's a big Sox fan and he loves going to Cominski Field?!

9. Frunchroom: As in, "Get outta da frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes." It's not the "parlor." It's not the "living room." In the land of the bungalow, it's the "frunchroom," a named derived, linguists believe, from "front room."

10. Youse: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun 'you!' "Where youse goin'?"

11. Downtown: Anywhere near the Lake , south of the Zoo (Lincoln Park Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.

12. The Lake:  Lake Michigan (What other lake is there?) It's often used by local weathermen, "cooler by The Lake."

13. Gunnagowit: as in make up your mind are you gunna go wit me to the store?

14. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. "Gimme a braht wit kraut."

15. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb "say." For example, "Den he goes, 'I like this place'!"

16. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual's gender.

17. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say "soda" in this town. "Do ya wanna canna pop?"

18. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. "Dose sliders I had last night gave me da runs."

19. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.

20. "Jeetyet?": Translates to, "Did you eat yet?"

21. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, "What are the two seasons in Chicago?"

22. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for "a couple, two, three" which really means "a few." For example, "Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?" "Yeh, a cuppa too-tree."

23. 588-2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you'll get if you call that number!

24. Junk Dror: You will usually find the 'junk drawer' in the kitchen filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very 
important, junk.

25. Southern Illinois: Anything south of I-80. This is where Smothers' boys is from....

26. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area are usually known just by their 'name' and not their Interstate number: the Dan Ryan ("da Ryan"), the Stevenson, the Kennedy (da "Kennedy"), the Eisenhower (da "Ike"), and the Edens (just "Edens" but Da Edens" is acceptable).

27. Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them as sneakers or running shoes, but Chicagoans will always call them gym shoes! 
 

28. Da Bears! Not the animal you'll find at Lincoln Park or Brookfield. 

29. The Cheddar Curtain: the border between Illinois and Wisconsin. 

30. Cheese Heads: those that live North of the Cheddar Curtain. 

31. Asswhoop-in: what Da Bears will do to the Packers this weekend!;)