Two sharks come upon a group of people swimming . . .
"Follow me, Son!" the Father Shark said to the Son Shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the Son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?
His wise Father replied,
"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Humor - Jewish
Rebbitzen: Hebrew for "Rabbi's wife"
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears about a gay synagogue in San Francisco.
He's very excited, as this sounds like what he's been yearning for. He gets there, and sure enough, there's a gay cantor and a gay rabbi, and the Congregation too is mostly gay.
He joins in the service, but is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him.
(There's really no good place to put a divider in a gay synagogue.)
Finally, he gives into temptation and puts his hand on the young man's knee.
Immediately two large men rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the stairs onto the street.
"Why did you do that?" he cried. "I thought this is a gay synagogue!"
"It is," replied one of his ejectors.
"But nobody messes with the rebbitzen."
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears about a gay synagogue in San Francisco.
He's very excited, as this sounds like what he's been yearning for. He gets there, and sure enough, there's a gay cantor and a gay rabbi, and the Congregation too is mostly gay.
He joins in the service, but is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him.
(There's really no good place to put a divider in a gay synagogue.)
Finally, he gives into temptation and puts his hand on the young man's knee.
Immediately two large men rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the stairs onto the street.
"Why did you do that?" he cried. "I thought this is a gay synagogue!"
"It is," replied one of his ejectors.
"But nobody messes with the rebbitzen."
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Questions UnConscious People Never Think To Ask
Leviticus 18:22 states homosexuality an abomination . . .
I have questions though . . .
When burning a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Q: Should I smite them?
I want to sell my daughter into slavery (Exodus 21:7).
Q: What is a fair price for her?
I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24) Q: How to find out? I try asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 says I may possess slaves, if purchased from neighboring nations. A friend claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Q: Why can't I own Canadians?
My neighbor works on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 states he should be put to death.
Q: Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev.11:10) . A friend feels it is a lesser abomination that homosexuality.
Q: Are there "degrees" of abomination?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I wear glasses. My wife wears contacts.
Q: Is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed including around their temples. This is forbidden (Lev.19:27).
Q: How should they die?
Lev. 11:6-8 states that touching the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean.
Q: Can my son play football if he wears gloves? (Made from cow skin of course)
My uncle farms and violates (Lev.19:19) by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). They also curse and blaspheme a lot.
Two Questions:
Is it necessary to get the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16)
Can't we burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I have questions though . . .
When burning a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Q: Should I smite them?
I want to sell my daughter into slavery (Exodus 21:7).
Q: What is a fair price for her?
I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24) Q: How to find out? I try asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 says I may possess slaves, if purchased from neighboring nations. A friend claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Q: Why can't I own Canadians?
My neighbor works on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 states he should be put to death.
Q: Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev.11:10) . A friend feels it is a lesser abomination that homosexuality.
Q: Are there "degrees" of abomination?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I wear glasses. My wife wears contacts.
Q: Is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed including around their temples. This is forbidden (Lev.19:27).
Q: How should they die?
Lev. 11:6-8 states that touching the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean.
Q: Can my son play football if he wears gloves? (Made from cow skin of course)
My uncle farms and violates (Lev.19:19) by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). They also curse and blaspheme a lot.
Two Questions:
Is it necessary to get the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16)
Can't we burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
Borrowed (with editing) from a circulating email regarding a statement made by Dr. Laura Schlesinger a radio talk show host, an observant Orthodox Jew, and the open letter response penned by a US resident James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
When We Were Kids . . .
(thanks to Mitzi)
. . . adults used to bore me with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. How they walked twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of (never you mind how ripe my age is!), I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, REALLY don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog! But first we had to get past the nasty librarian who was a Tri-Fecta Specialist in glaring, finger shaking and shushing.
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen, on paper! And our parents made us write thank you notes for every gift we received! Then we had to walk all the way to the street corner and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
When it came to cutting the grass, raking the leaves, shoveling the snow it was us kids who did it. There was no lawn crews circling the neighborhood doing what our parents considered the work of teenagers. The happiest I ever saw my dad was the summer afternoons when he'd sit on a lawn chair with a cold Coors in hand and watch my brother and I work on HIS lawn!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation, Wii or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
As for TV - don't get me started. First, we had 1 (one!) TV in the house. And you HAD to sit with your ENTIRE family to watch a show from a choice of 6 channels (ABC, CBS, NBC, WGN, WTTW and WFLD) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play . . . all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. My brother and I used to ride in the way back of our VW beetle. Our butts would get hot because we were sitting right over the engine. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if mom stopped suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! Even worse - we had to talk to each other! Sing songs. Make goofy faces at the people in other cars. Why you ask? Because we didn't have TV's in the car, video players, gameboys, yada, yada, yada.
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
. . . adults used to bore me with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. How they walked twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of (never you mind how ripe my age is!), I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, REALLY don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog! But first we had to get past the nasty librarian who was a Tri-Fecta Specialist in glaring, finger shaking and shushing.
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen, on paper! And our parents made us write thank you notes for every gift we received! Then we had to walk all the way to the street corner and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
When it came to cutting the grass, raking the leaves, shoveling the snow it was us kids who did it. There was no lawn crews circling the neighborhood doing what our parents considered the work of teenagers. The happiest I ever saw my dad was the summer afternoons when he'd sit on a lawn chair with a cold Coors in hand and watch my brother and I work on HIS lawn!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation, Wii or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
As for TV - don't get me started. First, we had 1 (one!) TV in the house. And you HAD to sit with your ENTIRE family to watch a show from a choice of 6 channels (ABC, CBS, NBC, WGN, WTTW and WFLD) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play . . . all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. My brother and I used to ride in the way back of our VW beetle. Our butts would get hot because we were sitting right over the engine. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if mom stopped suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! Even worse - we had to talk to each other! Sing songs. Make goofy faces at the people in other cars. Why you ask? Because we didn't have TV's in the car, video players, gameboys, yada, yada, yada.
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
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