I Don't Care Who You Are, That Right Thar is Funny!

My daughter sometimes gets razzed by her friends and our Education Rabbi cuz she has a tendency to say "ya'll" when she's referring to one or more. And when she's talking about a whole group she'll through out a double "ya'll" as in "all ya'll".

Sadly, she was born here in Illinois. Lucky for her is that her dad (me!) was born in the grand Republic of Texas. And while I didn't live there long, I was there long enough to pass along  "ya'll" to my daughter.

So on that note, here is some humor about The South that a colleague shared with me. Evidently, he's as hard at work as I am . . .

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. 

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. 

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. 

He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying . . . 

"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, 

"I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, 

"I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. 

He asked the fellow what the problem was.   The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. 

             

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

           

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. 

         

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

                

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 

                                'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

I noticed that Texas was included in the jokes. 

I guess since the Bush family lives there the joke is already on them. 

Bless thar hearts.

You & Me & Us Together & the Rules of Life

Since before we were married I love (almost) more than anything else You and Me and Us Together time. Usually, this means we are working together on a project. Landscaping. Painting a room. Remodeling. Sometimes it means we are spending the day together. No kids. No friends. No one but "You and Me and Us Together".  Those are the days we go "exploring" and find ourselves somewhere we totally didn't expect to be.  Someday I'll write about the 1 room school house we discovered.  We are a great team.

A few weeks ago my mom had her hip replaced. She's been in rehab and later this week she is going home. But first, she needs some new stairs in her garage. The current stairs have a 9.5" rise - way too much for someone with a new hip. To complicate things my back has been giving me fits and I'm not allowed to "lift more than a pen".

This required some You and Me and Us Together time.

We needed to buy several 2x4's, plywood, move the (heavy) miter saw into the car, and otherwise engage in lots of physical activity . . . meaning Gail had to do the heavy work.  We went to Home Depot and scored big time. We found 4 pieces of pre-cut 18" x 14" x 1" inch plywood in the scrap pile. We then found 6 pressure treated 2x4's pre-cut to 3.5' lengths - also in the scrap pile. At the register, all the wood rang up to $55 and then was discounted by 85% because it was "scrap". Score!:)

As we constructed the stairs we found our groove; me doing more talking than physical; Gail hammering the nails with a bit more passion than normal. (Wonder why!:)  Soon we had converted 1 step into 3, and the average height just about 5".  Perfect for Mom and her new hip.

In the end, Gail said she wasn't able to wrap her head around how we were going to build around the existing cement stair so that the new stairs would be the right height.  She complimented me on my "vision".

I thanked her for the compliment and replied, "I am not encumbered by your reality." 

We both laughed.

And we agreed to add the phrase to our "Rules of Life".

Other phrases that have made our "Rules of Life" repertoire are:

There is too much stupid to fight. 

Your concern has been noted. 

Thank you for your input, my position remains the same.

(this one we owe credit to our friend - BP!)

Logic has nothing to do with this. 

and . . . an old standby we all know . . . 

It is easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

We have found that most frustrating situations, or when we are dealing with people that didn't get the normal allocation of intelligence / common sense usually result in our recalling one of the Rules of Life.

We've been known to sometimes state one (or more) of the appropriate Rules of Life out loud.

The reaction is usually . . . priceless. ;)

Enjoy your day!:)

Idiots Like Me Pay Taxes

I am so stupid. A real idiot. A moron. As the saying goes, if being dumb was a virtue, I'd be a living saint. Today while reading the blog, The Bottom Line, irrefutable proof was presented right in front of my eyes of how naive and simple I am.

Wait! If you paid taxes last year (or any year) you too qualify to be in the "I'm with Stupid" line.

Fact is the SR (that's code for Super Rich) squirreled approximately $21 trillion away from the taxing arm of good ol' Uncle Sam. 


Suddenly I understand why property taxes continue to rise although the value of my home doesn't. 


Now I see the light and comprehend why student loans are less and less available. 


It is all so obvious now why there are medicare, medicaid and social security cuts. 


It's no wonder the federal and state governments are slashing all kinds of services and programs. The funds they need to operate them are no longer coming into the treasury. 


Let me be clear in my sudden enlightenment. I'm not mad at the SR for hiding their money from taxes. Heck, if I had that kind of money I'd hide it too. 


The blame for this mess belongs squarely on the US Congress. They made the laws that enabled the SR to hide their money.  Thanks to the DumbAss laws our congress has made the SR are able to hide money that would otherwise be taxed and used to provide these programs and services.


Congress and The President need to pull their heads out of their collective asses and fix this.

Raman Noodles - The meal of choice for idiots that pay taxes.

Below is the full article in The Bottom Line or you can click here and read the article. I'd share more with you but I need to go and make some Raman Noodles for dinner. 

Bankers continue Rob, Lie, Cheat and Steal from us

Q: What is the LIBOR scandal about? 


A: LIBOR cost US homeowners an EXTRA $1.1 - $2.2 billion dollars yearly.  

Put another way . . . 


The LIBOR scandal ADDED $50 - $100 monthly to the cost of American mortgages.  

So if you have had a $200,000 mortgage for 7 years . . . you have been cheated out of $9,600 0 - $19,200.

Robert Shapiro, former Under Secretary of Commerce for Economic Affairs (Clinton administration) and now chairman of Sonecon, an economic advisory firm, warned Wednesday that the LIBOR scandal could become the largest financial fraud in history. 

Shapiro added that “coming on top of the reckless and dishonest behavior that led to the 2008 financial collapse, the LIBOR manipulations should finally dispose of the conservative case for self-regulation by Wall Street.”  

READ: Blog entry by Robert J Shapiro about the developing LIBOR  scandal 

READ: Article on MSNBC about the LIBOR scandal 

The next time you hear that less regulation by government think about LIBOR.

Mmmmm, when we're 64

This past December  our family took a Tripcation: (Trip: with kids, Vacation: just Gail & I). 
Anyway, the weather was PERFECT (low 80's).

Perhaps it's because I'm older, perhaps it's because I knew Chicago winter weather was just around the corner, but gained an appreciation for the phrase "retire somewhere warm".  I get it. 

Along with thoughts of future retirement (long far forward future) I received this bit of humor today.

Thought it worth sharing . . . 

When we came out of the shop, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. 
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “asshole”. 
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Gail called him a “shit head”.  
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.  
This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. ;)